My Muslim Mom

I am troubled by the stories I see in the news regarding the Texas members of the FLDS.  (On April 7th 2008, authorities raided the YFZ compound of FLDS members and eventually removed 417 children.)  I am deeply divided on this issue.  As a former social worker, I believe and accept that the rights of children to be protected supersede the parent’s rights.  If children are systematically raped and mentally abused as part of this group’s regular practice then the children must be protected, and should definitely have been removed.

What disturbs me as a  Muslim mom, is that it seems the biggest problem is that most people are disturbed by this groups apparent “strangeness“.  In several interviews with authorities and volunteers who are working with the children, remarks have been made about their strangeness.  Remarks like, “they’re just not like us.”  “You can tell by the way they dress that they are different from regular Americans.” “These children are growing up in a culture that is so different from the way the rest of America lives.”  Talk and late night shows are having a field day with the jokes about their dress and hair.  The media constantly reinforces and points out how they look different.  I have a problem with this, because I also look and dress different from the rest of America!  My hijab and modest clothes distinguish me at first glance.  Does that mean I care for my children less?

I worry that this is religious persecution.  The state is arguing that they have already found instances of at least 4 sixteen year old girls, who have either had or are having babies.  But if this is proof for sexual abuse then that same abuse exists in schools and cities across the country where girls sixteen and much younger are having children daily by men/boys who are not their husbands and there is no outcry.  Who is speaking out and protecting the rights of those girls.  We have to admit that we live in a culture that promotes just as strongly sexual abuse of girls as the people who lived in that compound.  If we close down places that promote sexual abuse (and they define sexual abuse as encouraging underage sex) then we would shut down MTV, ban hip hop and pop music, and treat any male who impregnates a minor as a perpetrator of sexual violence.  As a Muslim mother I would rather for my sixteen year old daughter to willingly choose marriage over sexual promiscuity.

This is not to defend what is alleged to have happened in that compound.  (Although it is hard for me to believe that all 417 children were in imminent danger.)   I do want Muslim mothers to be wary of these actions.  Because our lifestyles, dress and culture is also different from mainstream America, and I don’t want to one day have to explain to the court that just because I may seem strange and oppressed, that I am any less of a good mother. 

My four year daughter old does not wear hijab.  (On the upside my two year old son is always trying to put on mine  LOL).  I wonder am I doing the right thing?  What is the proper way to prepare a girl to wear hijab in this country.  I do understand the difficulty of wearing hijab.  Yesterday while walking to the park with my children, a passerby yelled at me to “go back to my country.”  This is my country I would love to have yelled back…(along with some other things).  I have been told to my face, that I would be hired for the job if only I would I be willing to consider removing it.  I equate hijab as a minor jihad, because it is almost that difficult and you could be attacked from anywhere for wearing it.

So how do I prepare my daughter to wear hijab?  I try to find pretty ones that she will enjoy wearing.  Unfortunately there is no “Dora the Explorer” hijab, as she has requested. (She has also requested a “Dora the Explorer” prayer rug.) I find that they do not make hijabs in pretty pinks, and yellows and pastels that would appeal to very young girls.  I purchased a beautiful pink fabric that she picked out herself along with some beads and sequins and together we decorated it and made a beautiful hijab for her to wear…but where?  To the zoo, to the park, to the museum, these are her “hang-outs.  Ironically when we wear it to the masjid, it magically comes off in the first twenty minutes.  I never force her to put it back on her head.  I let her wear it until she is naturally tired of it.  I want her to get used to wearing her hijab because she wants to before she wears it because she has to.  I figure we have plenty of time.

My husband feels the opposite.  He feels that if we start her wearing it now, it will be a habit she keeps all of her life.  This is the same opinion shared by another Sister at the masjid, who has her infant daughter in hijab.  Every time I see this baby her head is covered, and her khimar  pinned around her neck.   I feel that yes children this young will develop the habit.   But the habit doesn’t remove the discomfit you feel when obscenities are yelled at you.  Or the feeling of isolation when a cup of coke is thrown at you from a moving car while you wait at the bus stop, something that happened to a pregnant friend of mine.

I want her to wear hijab because she has come to the conclusion on her own that this is required by Allah.  And so she wears it out of love for Allah and a desire to please Him.  So I feel my first step is to teach her to love Allah and to want to please Him.  But am I going about this the wrong way…Hmmm I still wonder.

You get what you pay for…truer words have never been spoken.  I recently went to a fundraiser at a local masjid.  It advertised that free babysitting would be provided.  Great, I thought, because it was one of those functions where you see your husband at the door and then not again until after the dinner is over as he disappears into the nether world of “the brother’s side.”  I looked forward to enjoying my meal and the lecture.  With high hopes I led my two children to the babysitting room.  I reminded them to mind their manners, listen and obey. Be very good and mommy will have a special surprise for you. 

Then I opened the door and the surprise was  mine!  Literally, children jumping off the tables.  Little ones running from big ones, a car flew past my head.  I look to see who was supervising this room of about 35 children and saw three teenage girls sitting at a table chitchatting.  They looked up at me, then continued talking.  I walked purposefully toward them.  “Are you in charge?” I ask.  “Yes,” they give the one word reply.  I ask, “is there some activity here for the children tonight?”  I ask hoping, that maybe the activity portion of the evening has not yet began.  “Yeah, they’re watching movies.”  A young lady gestures vaguely to a tv in the room’s corner where a video is playing and three children sit watching, oblivious to the noise and pandemonium of the other children surrounding them.  I admit for a minute I was tempted, really tempted, to tell my children to go sit with those three kids and watch (not listen to) the movie until I returned.  But just then a ball flew by and ht one of the kids taking the audience down to two and I knew I couldn’t do it.  So I drag them back upstairs to the $50.00 a plate dinner that I will now have to share with two bored toddlers, who are angry because they wanted to play with the others.

I tell you have been tricked by this “free babysitting” campaign more than once.  Is it just me or does anybody else find this extremely frustrating?  Honestly I would rather just find my own sitter and pay then get there and be stuck.  I hope we begin to offer actual services, (I’d be willing to pay) for the children so that they are not just stuck in a room and where their sitters…just sit.

As-Salaamu-Alaikum,

As a stay at home mom, I truly look for and treasure those moments when my children go down for their naps.  In the Qur’an there is a reference Allah makes to the mercy of night (time) and of sleep.  That has to be for the comfort of mothers!  Because when they go down, I can have a break.  Mentally, physically, spiritually a break.  The problem we’re running into now is that they have decided (cunningly) to take their naps in shifts.  Today she went down for a nice long 2.5 hour nap…WOW.  But he is still fighting it, and hour and a half after she woke up.  He is fussy and sleepy and ready for his nap, way-way-way too close to his bedtime and she’s wide awake.  I really wish they would coordinate this better and get in sync.  I have been advised to just put them both down at the same time until they are on the same sleep schedule. But the only way to achieve that is if I lay down too! Then I get a  nap (that is well needed,but I don’t get any work done…AARGH.  LOL 

I guess part of the reason I put up with this, is because I do enjoy my alone times them.   Sad but true.  I rarely get the chance to just enjoy them as individuals and give each one my undivided attention.  So this crazy nap schedule in a way it works for us.   They each get that undivided mommy time and they and I love it.  I guess its the price I pay for these treasured times.