My Muslim Mom

As- Salaamu-Alaikum, (peace be with you)

I get asked this question from time to time. Especially from new Muslims. Should I celebrate mother/father’s day? They frequently come from a tradition where the day is celebrated by their non-Muslim relatives. I would answer by saying that yes, I do celebrate these days.

My feelings about these celebrations are the same as I posted for birthdays. This day is a cultural practice that is not anti-Islamic in its intent or it’s history. According to a citation I found on Wikipedia, (not the best source I admit), Mother’s day did has a history in just about every culture in the world. Some of it was realted to worship of a particular female “god” but in most cultures it came to represent an appreciation of mothers.

“In this country it was imported (from Britain) by social activist Julia Ward Howe after the American Civil War. However, it was intended as a call to unite women against war. In 1870, she wrote the Mother’s Day Proclamation as a call for peace and disarmament. Howe failed in her attempt to get formal recognition of a Mother’s Day for Peace.

Her idea was influenced by Ann Jarvis, a young Appalachian homemaker who, starting in 1858, had attempted to improve sanitation through what she called Mother’s Work Days. She organized women throughout the Civil War to work for better sanitary conditions for both sides, and in 1868 she began work to reconcile Union and Confederate neighbors.

When Jarvis died in 1905, her daughter, named Anna Jarvis, started the crusade to found a memorial day for women.”

Father’s day started in the U. S. with similar philanthropic reasons. “It is believed to have been inspired to celebrate fathers after the deadly mine explosion in nearby Monongah the prior December. This explosion killed 361 men, many of them fathers and recent immigrants to the United States from Italy. Another possible inspiration for the service was Mothers’ Day, which had been celebrated for the first time two months prior in Grafton, West Virginia, a town about 15 miles (24 km) away. Another driving force behind the establishment of the integration of Father’s Day was Mrs. Sonora Smart Dodd, born in Creston, Washington. Her father, the Civil War veteran William Jackson Smart, as a single parent reared his six children in Spokane, Washington. She was inspired by Anna Jarvis’s efforts to establish Mother’s Day.”

After researching these origins I feel strongly that it was not a religious holiday but an attempt to recognize worthy parents and in the case of Mother’s day a call for peace. A call we as Muslims should emphasize and reiterate in our celebrations.

Prophet Muhammad stated that “Paradise lies under the feet of your mother.” The love and respect you should have for both of your parents is stressed in Islam. The honest truth is that although most of us make the effort to respect and honor our parents all year round. (Al hamdulilah-Thanks to God) We give our best effort but it is still not enough to recognize the person who the Quran states bore you with “trial or difficulty after difficulty” So I think it is an EXCELLENT idea and tradition that we can share with Muslim and non-Muslim relatives alike to show our appreciation, support and love for the people most deserving of it!

You can make your celebration more Islamic by making a special salat and dua (prayers) for your parents. You can share special Quran reading of the verses regarding parent hood with them and thank them for all that they have done for you over the years. Celebrate with service to your parents above and beyond what you usually do. You can celebrate with service to others by mentoring new parents, helping a needy family, or making donations in your parent’s name. As long as the praise and the thanks go first to Allah (God) and the appreciation is sincere and the efforts continue beyond the actual holiday, I think the day would be accepted for you. InshaAllah!

As- Salaamu-Alaikum (Peace be with you.)

My sister does not belief in childproofing… I am living in my sister’s home. We will spend the entire summer here, my two year old, four year old and myself. The problem is my sister refuses to childproof. Her children are 22, 20, 18 and 12. She, unfortunately, does not remember the days when her kids got into everything. Under all of her sinks are poisonous cleaners, her doors to outside feature low, easy to open knobs,  she has a house full of china cabinets and collectibles.  And lots and lots of things for a toddler to touch and explore.  Except everything he touches is fragile.

My sister’s theory is that you should not have to pick up behind a child.  She believes FIRMLY that you should teach your child not to touch and to keep their hands to themselves.  Once the child learns this, then there is no need to childproof.  This is a great idea…in theory.  I would love to be able to walk out of a room and know that my two year old will resist all temptations.

However, I know my son.  I picture him literally about to bust, because he cannot resist.  He is the PePe Le Pew of collectibles.  “I must have it!”  He spends so much time in the naughty chair that now he puts himself on punishment when he sees me coming.  (Not a nice feeling by the way.)  If he has an item of particular interest, he will hold on to it with a fierce determination.  To guard his precious discovery he weaves through the house like an NFL running back and when I finally catch him he hurls the item away.  (If he doesn’t play in the NFL, I am going to be sorely disappointed.  The boy is really good.)

I admit he is not really trying very hard to control himself.  In the battle over her collectibles he is winning.  I noticed recently that she did move a few.  What’s a mother to do?  I think that it is developmentally difficult, for a two year old to resist temptation.  In this stage of his development he learns by exploring his world, using his five senses.  He sees, he touches, he smells, he tastes.  Everything.  In my opinion childproofing is best for children’s safety and for parent’s sanity.  If your home is childproofed, your child can explore in safe and healthy ways.  It greatly reduces the need to spank, and produces more positive environment for all concerned.  I met another parent recently who bragged that she never childproofed her home.  She states, I taught my children to leave my things alone.  I asked her how she accomplished this feat and she proudly announced, “Oh, I beat their little butts until they understood, I meant business.”  (She is a professional elementary school teacher)

I can only imagine.  How much “beating” would you have to do to destroy your child’s natural and innate desire to learn?  And what are the consequences for “beating” this out of him/her?

As-Salaamu-Alaikum, (Peace be with you)

I admit it. I spanked him!  He is sooo busy.  I have to admit I am starting to lean towards, he is just bad.  We are visiting at my sister’s house.  He has broken her fax machine cover, lost some of her jewelry, broken her remote control and damaged her cordless phone.  But this is not the reason I spanked him.  Yesterday he took her “Tiffany” style lamp and knocked it to the floor scratching the glass.  Immediately he ran and sat in the “naughty chair”.  A chair that he is very familiar with because he is in it so often.

He earned a spanking by scaring me to death!  My sister lives very close to a beach and park.  To get there from her house he only has to walk down a semi-busy street.  Two days ago, I could not find him in the house.  After searching all three floors of this huge house I ran frantically down her long driveway to look for him.  When I didn’t see him, I searched the house a third time.  Still no baby.  I ran back outside and started running down the street to look for him.  No baby.  Frantic, praying desperately, I ran back up the driveway.  Suddenly he opens the handy man’s car door and jumps out.  My sister had a handy man over doing some home repairs.  He jumps out of this man’s car, (A stranger) where he had been sitting and playing with the gentleman’s fast food leftovers.  And in the process dumped a whole container of shrimp sauce over the man’s car seats and steering wheel!

Although I was ecstatic to see him.  Thankful, (Al-Hamdulilah, Praise be to God), that he he had not wandered down the street and gotten killed or kidnapped.  I could not believe that he had opened her door walked out of the house and wandered into a parked car!  I admit partial responsibility.  I should have kept a better eye on him.  But it just is not possible to watch him every second of the day.  So I gave in to the tried and true method.  I spanked him.  I didn’t beat him.  Just a light spanking on his buttocks to let him know when I say don’t touch the door!  (A command I had previously given several times.) I mean DON’T TOUCH THE DOOR!

What would the Super Nanny say?  Any suggestions for dealing with a two year old busy bee would be appreciated.

As-Salaamu-Alaikum,

Where is Super Nanny when you need her?  As you know from the previous post, my son is a handful.  My daughter was also, at this age, but she quickly learned and improved her behavior.  My son is a challenge.  He ignores any command to “stop”, “put that back”, “get down”, “don’t do it”.  He ignores me so well that I actually had his hearing tested.  Al Hamdulilah (Thanks to God).  The response of the audiologist was, “He hears fine, he is just ignoring you.”

I was raised in a family where children were spanked.  Al Hamdulilah, we all turned out normal, so this method did work.  We learned quickly that some behaviors were not allowed.  But, I want to try a different method.  I am concerned with the mixed message I send my son, when I stress to him, “NO Hitting.”  And to emphasize the point, I hit him.  Ahhh the hypocrisy.  My mother says it is not hypocritical because I am teaching him that I am the only person allowed to hit.  It is supposedly okay for me because I am the authority figure.  But maybe what I am teaching is that as an authority figure I have a policy of “Do what I say, not what I do.”  This is not a policy I want to teach.

As I look at the violence in America, I wonder if this is another of the root causes.  Do we teach our children to resolve issues by violence.  If a child sees their parent reacting with violence, what do they imitate?  These are my college educated, social psychology background, responses.  The reality is that as I watch my son repeatedly hit his sister, jump off of furniture and worse of all, go running in the street….I wonder.

It is incredibly difficult to modify his behavior without spanking.  Spanking is by far the quickest, easiest and most effective way to change his behavior.  But I despise myself later.  I feel like a failure as a mother.  I have sunken to my lowest level out of frustration.  Sigh.  I have searched the Sunnah and the Quran  for advice.  The best I have found is the hadith, “he is not one of us (a believer) who does not show kindness to children.”  There are many exhortations to be patient.  I often reflect on the patience of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.s.) when his grandchildren crawled on his back while he was leading the salaat in sajdah.  My son loves to do this also and it drives me crazy!  My first instinct is to knock him off, but I restrain myself and wait him out as long as I can.  Then I’m sorry, I have to get him down.  He can literally sit on my back, pulling my hijab and kicking my ribs for about fifteen minutes straight.

I am trying “time out.”  And we have instituted the “naughty chair.”  Thanks Super Nanny!  But I have literally had to put him in the naughty chair five times in a row for hitting his sister in one morning.  This worked but by the next day, he had replaced hitting with biting!  And he has so many behaviors that require a quick and immediate response that it is very frustrating.  I just wonder how other moms feel about this issue and what are some of your methods.  By the way, time out is the only thing that works because he doesn’t have anything that he enjoys enough for me to take away.  Nor does he relate his current behavior with future activities, so I can’t say, if you do this we wont go to the park later.  And before you ask, No, I am not the most consistent and I know that is part of the problem.  Sigh…

As-Salaamu-Alaikum (peace be with you)

I am not one of those deluded parents who imagine that my toddler is an angel. My toddlers are handfuls. I hesitate to say “bad”. But I will say that they are “busy”. By busy I mean they are literally into everything. Especially my two year old son. We are visiting relatives for the summer, (see previous post), and I am told constantly by my sister. “Whoo, your son is so bad.” (Never mind that her two sons were NIGHTMARES while growing up. And their behavior even today as young adults leaves a lot to be desired.) But she, and a few others have commented that, “he is bad.”

As his mother I feel that he is not bad but he is busy. Yes, very busy. Typical activities of his are; running everywhere he goes, he loves to climb up things and of course after reaching the top he has to jump off, he likes to take things out of wastebaskets, he likes to write on paper, and walls and carpets and table tops, he likes to throw things, okay everything, he opens doors and explores rooms, he will run outside, he pushes any button he can reach, he chases the cat, he opens the fish tank, he puts his hands in water, including the toilet bowl, he picks flowers, he likes to talk on the phone, and play on cell phones, he peels bananas, he makes copies, he…well you get the picture. If you can imagine it, he will do it.

Reading over this list, I’m thinking maybe he is bad. In his defense I will state that he does not do all of these activities at one time or in one day. He spaces it out nicely over a week. Sometimes he has a particularly busy “spurt”. Sometimes he’s quiet for a relatively long period of time. During this waiting period which generally lasts no more than thirty minutes, we sit waiting with baited breath for the next spurt. I believe that his behavior does not qualify as bad because it is age appropriate. When in a new environment he uses all of his senses to explore and understand his world. At his age, he learns by doing and experimenting. So he rolls and and drops things to see what will happen. He climbs and jumps because he is learning the limits of his physical ability and what his body can do. He puts everything in his mouth because this is a method of exploration at this age. He is my little scientist, a great and brave explorer in an unknown world.

I feel as his mother that my job is to encourage this exploration as a way of developing valuable learning skills that he will need to problem solve as he grows. My job is also to teach him what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Something things he knows, like he shouldn’t throw everything. Sure sometimes he is testing the limits of my patience and gauging my reactions. But I feel that too is normal and appropriate. I am working on improving his behavior and reigning him in so he doesn’t destroy your house. All I ask in return is a teeny tiny bit of patience and that you not label him as bad during this formative period.

As-Salaamu-Alaikum (peace be with you)

My daughter was a breastfeeding challenge! As a new mom, I expected slight hurdles but she gave me mountains to jump over! As a newborn she decided to lift her tongue to the roof of her mouth every time I attempted to feed her. This made breast feeding difficult and a good “latch” impossible. We struggled with this challenge for three mos. Al-Hamdulilah (praise be to God) I have a dear friend who is a lactation consultant and she advised that some children take about 3 mos before they develop a good “suck technique”. I told my darling several times, “Okay you need to get this in three mos because after three mos…I’m quitting! After exactly three mos and one day she latched on perfectly.

After following all of the traditional advice such as bring the baby to the breast and just roll the baby’s head onto the breast. I found this additional method worked best. I undressed myself and baby. I laid down in a semi-reclining position and laid her on my breast. I gently stroked the side of her face. And brought her to the nipple. I found the “naked mommy” method worked wonders. She loved the skin to skin contact. And the contact helped to relax both of us and made the whole process easier. Patience is definitely key!

I am posting this because I have a good friend whose baby cannot come home because he is not eating and gaining weight. Although theirs is an extreme case, I just wanted to put the info out there for other mothers who may be struggling with latching problems. 1. It will get better - believe me!, 2. Be patient and don’t give up - give it AT LEAST THREE MOS! And finally give the “naked mommy” method a try it did wonders for us.

As-Salaamu-Alaikum,

As followers of my blog, you probably know that I am a stay-at-home mom.  Al hamdulilah (Praise be to God) my husband has a job where he is able to provide for our family comfortably.  We are not well off by any means but we do get by even in this terrible economy.  (Can you believe both milk and gas at 4.00 a gallon!)  I’ve been home for two years now and have never been able to find an internet job that I can work with toddlers running around in the background.  If you have visited my website, www.mymuslimmom.com then you have seen the list of legitimate work at home jobs that I have found.  My problem is that most of the jobs are either phone telemarketing or customer service work.  It requires a few hours of quiet work in a noise free environment.  I have not had quiet hours for four years!  (My oldest is four.)  And I refuse to commit to sacrificing what little sleep I get!

That’s why I am so glad I was accepted as a Cha Cha guide.  It is a completely internet, text only job.  Cha Cha works by random individuals texting their questions from their mobile phone and I look up the answer and text them back.  You can jump online at anytime and from anywhere and text.  You can also just work 15 mins here or 5 hours there.  There are no minimums or maximums.  The pay could be better, but hey I like it because it is so completely flexible.

If you are looking for a way to put a little extra change in your pocket I would check them out.  The only caution I would advise is that they are very selective.  They test your general knowledge, typing skills and common sense before approving you and then after approval you still must undergo training.  I am bound by confidentiality clauses so I can’t go into details but I can tell you that not everyone who applies or initially is approved makes it to the “guide” stage.  However with the company growing rapidly I am hopeful that more opportunities for others will arise.  If you are a guide, let me know how you are doing.  If you are not but are going to check it out then, I wish you good luck.  InshaAllah (God Willing) you will be cha cha-ing soon!

As-Salaamu-Alaikum, (peace be with you)

I haven’t had a chance to write lately because I am travelling.  I am staying with my family out of town.  We are here for an extended visit and it has taken some adjusting for all parties.  I have two toddlers, ages 2 and 4.  And i just want to give some quick tips to help make overnight visits with a toddler more comfortable for all.

1.  Please put glass and fragile items out of reach.  (Yes, I know I should control my children and watch their every move but it just is not physically possible at all times.)  They should not touch your fragile items but I have noticed that my son seems to be on a seek and find mission to find every possible breakable item and THROW IT.  (FYI plants, flowers and trees fall into this category)

2.  Understand that part of how toddlers explore new environments; is that they roam, pick up, touch, taste, etc, everything they can.  My children are not bad, but they are busy.  As a mother I am frantically running behind them to save  your  precious collectibles.   I am greatly concerned that my little darlings might actually damage something of yours.

3.  Please bear with us with patience.  As you criticize, sigh, roll your eyes, and threaten them, keep in mind that I their mother am trying my best to teach them not to act on their natural toddler instincts.

4.  Please put all of your toxic, household cleaners out of reach.  Yes, I know that they should not be under your kitchen/bathroom sink but it is so irresistible to a two year old.  And although my kids have not yet opened up a bottle of cleaner and swallowed, (AL Hamdulilah -Praise God) I am fully aware that it is something they COULD do.  I would rather avoid the possibility if I could.

5.  Keep your doors locked.  I know you always do right?  However even for moment, if you forget, a toddler is like a prisoner with an open jail.  THEY WILL ESCAPE!  My son loves to open the door and wander outside.

6.  If you feel you should not have to make any changes to your household to accommodate your toddler guests, you don’t.  Just be aware of the choice you are making and the chances you WILLINGLY incurred.  Because a parent can’t watch everything.

7.  Be patient always, forgive and overlook much, and remember that they are children and that the day will come when you will look back on these times with fond remembrances.

As-Salaamu-Alaikum (peace be with you)

I am writing today about a well known household cleaner.  Well maybe not so well known.  I first heard about this after watching a news show several years ago.  During the show the reporter compared household cleaners of today, to cleaners of a century ago.  Many years ago, people cleaned their homes with “baking soda” and “vinegar”.  During a comparison of several popular brands and these two old fashioned cleaners, the old fashioned cleaners either equalled or excelled.  I tried it myself and I was astonished.  I had an oven top that I could not get clean.  I poured some vinegar on and topped it off with baking soda.  (You will get an immediate “fizzy” reaction.)  I let it sit for a few minutes and then started scrubbing.  (Yes, I still had to scrub a little bit.) But the results, WOW, amazing.  The oven looked brand new.  Then I, (I have to admit) went a little crazy.  I cleaned everything in the home.  Crayon  and marker stains on the wall, greasy residue on the cabinet above the stove, scuff marks on the floor, rust stains on the tub.  It worked on everything!  Now it is the only product I use to clean my tub. 

The best part is that after cleaning the bathtub with these two cleaners, I never have to worry about any chemical residue going into the kids bath!  I do rinse the tub, but both of these products can be added to bath water.  Both products are relatively inexpensive and easy to find and of course environmentally friendly.  I love them, they work well and I feel good about using something healthy to clean my house.  The baking soda alone works well with a brillo pad to clean burned food remains out of a pot.  And add a little vinegar for added boost.  I don’t have a specific recipe but it is inexpensive enough that you can play around with the combination until you find what works best for you.

Let me know what you think and feel free to post any other remedies you would like to share.

Does my Jumuah count if I spend the entire time worrying about my busy toddlers?  I hope so!  I just returned from Jumuah prayer. (Friday Muslim worship prayer service)  My two year old loves the wide open space of the prayer hall and enjoys the opportunity to run wild.  My four year old daughter loves to help by loudly yelling at him to “stop” and “sit down”.   ” Be quiet”, she shouts helpfully.  Every time we go, it is an adventure.  The journey begins with the morning preparations.  When we argue over whether they will eat breakfast.  Can my daughter can wear her pink princess outfit,  where has my son hidden his socks today?  (He loves to go in his sock drawer and pull all the socks out and hide them.)  Generally by the time we are loaded into the mommy mobile I am already tired and frustrated.  Not exactly the peaceful state you want to have when starting your Jumuah prayer.

When packing a bag for prayer I generally try to take at least two quiet toys they can play with, anything that will basically sitting still for the length of the khutbah.  Sometimes this works great.  Sometimes not.  I am trying to teach them to respect the masjid.  I don’t know how to teach them this without taking them and getting them used to the protocal of the masjid.  If I don’t take them, then whenever they go they will be very excited about being in a new place.  If I take them all the time then they feel free to be playful and noisy because they are very comfortable there.  It is a quandry.

Meanwhile, I really need the solace and benefits of praying in congregation.  I’m trying to give Allah my best.  I feel like Allah deserves my concentration and my focus.  It’s about the respect, gratitude and love I feel for Allah.  I reallly would like to show that with my effort.  Jumuah is an effort but I wonder if it is accepted because, honestly, my concentration and focus is not there.  I’ve already heard that Allah looks at your intentions.  It’s been told to me that Allah will reward me for the effort and He understands the difficulties of motherhood.  And in my mind, I understand that, but in my heart I wonder…